The Many Misadventures of Oghren & Anders
by Michelle Clover
Summary: A collection of short humorous stories involving the practical jokes of Oghren & Anders. Set during the time of DAO: Awakening. Some of these stories referred to by Anders in "Aftermath: A New Beginning". Each Chapter represents a different story.


_A/N: All associated Characters & places based on Bioware's Dragon Age games._

"So why do the Grey Wardens keep horses if they never use them?"

Anders complained as he and the other two new recruits followed the Warden Commander to the city of Amaranthine. The commander replied over her shoulder in her sickly sweet voice.

"The horses are used for working the land and pulling carts full of goods, Ser Mage, not for bearing Wardens. Besides, Amaranthine isn't that far away. It's just a good stretch of the legs."

_A good stretch of the legs my giddy aunt's ass._

Anders was beginning to wish that he _had_ stretched that morning before he left. He was accustomed to walking everywhere, it was just the way things were done in Ferelden, but keeping up with the Commander was a different story. Anders was tall with long legs and he was having a hard time doing it. How did she manage to move so quickly? It was almost like she was gliding across the countryside. He could only imagine what it must have been like for the dwarf. He took a look around and found the Oghren running alongside him, keeping the pace rather nicely. He stared at the smaller man in awe for a few moments. The dwarf looked up at him and stopped dead in his tracks.

"What?" asked the dwarf while eyeing Anders suspiciously.

Anders tried to play it off. "What, what?"

"You were staring at me, you manskirt-wearing freak."

_Well that was rather offensive._ Anders thought. He reached up and ran his hand across his blonde ponytail. He frowned down at Oghren.

"Oh, I thought you were being attacked by a wild animal, but it was only your beard."

Oghren narrowed his eyes as he stared the tall mage down.

"You think you're so clever, don't you Sparkle-fingers?"

Anders smirked. "Yes I do. I'm also charming, not to mention devastatingly handsome."

The dwarf growled. "Well save that shit for the ladies. My axe doesn't swing that way pretty boy."

The mage rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. "Why does everyone I meet automatically assume that I'm gay?"

Oghren chuckled. "Maybe it's the ponytail and the earring…but it's probably the dress."

Anders shook his head. "Dwarves." He exclaimed quietly.

The two men hadn't noticed that the Commander had doubled back to get them.

"Okay ladies, if we are finished arguing over who is the prettiest, we need to get back to work."

_Well, well…she does have a sense of humor after all. _ Anders thought. He noticed, and not for the first time, how attractive the officer standing in front of him was. He gave her his most charismatic smile. In return, she gave him one of those "are you serious?" looks, turned around and started trudging back up the hill. Anders didn't understand it. That was the first time his charm hadn't worked on a woman. He was definitely intrigued. His thoughts were interrupted by Nathaniel's hand pushing his shoulder to get him to move forward. Anders waved the rogue away.

"Alright, alright, I'm going. No need to get physical."

Nathaniel huffed. "Just hurry up, mage."

As Anders began walking again, he realized that he had to figure out a way to get back at the dwarf for embarrassing him in front of the Commander. It didn't take him very long to formulate a plan.

"So, Oghren," he began, "I always thought that dwarves wouldn't come to the surface because they were afraid of falling into the sky."

Oghren didn't stop or slow down his pace.

"Yeah, I use to believe that, but I've been on the surface for months. If it hasn't happened yet, I figure it ain't gonna."

Anders faked a look of concern. "Didn't anyone tell you?"

The dwarf eyed him warily. "Tell me what princess?"

The mage shook his head. "Oh my…I hate to tell you this Oghren, but the reason those stories exist among dwarves is because there are places in Thedas where the atmosphere is thinner than others. The compact size of dwarves makes them more susceptible to being pulled into the sky because there's not enough of them to keep them on the ground in those places."

"How come I've never heard that?" Oghren was obviously starting to worry that Anders might know what he was talking about.

"Probably because they didn't want to worry you. There aren't very many of those places in Ferelden. I wouldn't worry about it too much, though. I mean, it hasn't happened yet. Maybe it won't happen at all. I just thought you should know."

Oghren threw his hands in the air. "Blah! You're as full of shit as a nug pen."

He stomped away from Anders in a huff. They walked just under a mile before the mage muttered a force spell under his breath directed at Oghren's feet. The dwarf lifted just a few inches in the air and touched back down to the ground almost immediately. A look of panic crossed his face.

"What the…?"

Anders eyed the dwarf apprehensively. "Is something wrong, Oghren?"

The dwarf shook off the panic he felt rising in his chest. "No…why would you think something was wrong?" he growled.

Anders shrugged. "I don't know, you just looked like something was bothering you."

Oghren puffed out his chest. "Tell ya what princess, you'll be the first to know if I ever turn into a woman and get the uncontrollable urge to share my feelings."

"Just trying to help."

"Sodding girly man." Oghren mumbled under his breath.

Twenty minutes later, Anders repeated the same spell and once again the dwarf became panicked. He kept his mouth shut, but he glared back at Anders who was pretending to look at the clouds above his head.

By the time they were a half mile out of Amaranthine, Anders had pulled the same trick at least a half dozen times. Oghren had his weapon at the ready with a crazed look in his eyes as he jumped at the slightest noise. It was all that Anders could do to keep a straight face. The Warden Commander kept asking Oghren if anything was wrong, but he refused to say anything about what had been happening to him.

The Commander was several feet ahead of them when Oghren started to pass a large tree. That's when Anders decided to make his move. He muttered another spell but this time instead of lifting the dwarf a few inches, the spell picked him up and hurtled him toward the sky with rapid speed.

Oghren, with his gruff voice and manly persona shrieked like a little girl as he started grabbing at twigs and branches on his way up. By the time he got a good hold on the trunk he was sobbing and begging for someone to save him. Anders couldn't hold it in any longer, he fell to the ground laughing with tears streaming down his face.

The Commander heard Oghren's cries and ran back, staff drawn, trying to find the child who was in trouble. She found the dwarf in the tree hanging on for dear life and weeping. It took her two hours of sweet talk, promises and a huge block for him to hold onto to finally coax Oghren out of the tree. Anders had laughed so hard that his sides ached. Even Nathaniel had a hard time keeping a straight face.

It was well after nightfall before the group of Wardens finally entered the city gates.

Once they were within the walls, the Commander pulled Anders aside and spent almost half an hour reprimanding him. He was given two weeks worth of extra duty and made to apologize to Oghren, but it was worth it to Anders. The best part about it was the fact that it actually caused Oghren to gain a small amount of respect for the mage. Anders and Oghren never became the best of friends, but from that day forward the dwarf and the mage became partners in crime when it came to practical jokes.


End file.
